My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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