She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We need a shit load of segways right now
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How does it feel to date your dad?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
