Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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