Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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