If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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