They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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