Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
