i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
