VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's shark week go big or go home
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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