so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
