its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
