So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
