I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
