Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
