I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
