I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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