There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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