why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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