FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
