Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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