I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
