Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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