Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
