DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
