Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
