Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
