I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
