I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
