I don't usually arrange sex via text message
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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