Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
