2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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