I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
