Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
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We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
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Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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