And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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