Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
