obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
