I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
