You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
