I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
