life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
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juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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