Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
