New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
