What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
