True but thats because hes a fetus.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
