two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
