Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
