i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
