fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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