so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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