The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
