I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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