I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
