it wasn't lemon gatorade
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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