she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
