Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
