can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
