I saw his package. It spoke to me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
