Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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