I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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