You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The power of my boobs compel you
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
